I wrote the bulk of this blog last Wednesday night (1st May 2019) after my Ecstatic Dance night with @movewithnikchung . I’ve published it in sort of a ‘journal format’ since that’s how I wrote it. This wasn’t easy to publish, and I nearly didn’t, but I felt the next step was to let my ‘guard’ down and put it out there. I’ll explain in the last bit if you make it that far…
Wednesday 1st May 2019 – 10pm
The Dark Side – We all have one and it doesn’t always carry a light saber (or does it?).
I went dancing tonight, ecstatic dance, it’s awesome, honestly. Nicola (the equally awesome facilitator) suggested the theme for the night was our ‘darkness’ and suggested we ‘play’ with that during the dance. Well as usual the theme was right on track for me. I’d been in a funk all day and as I was driving there, I decided that if I had to give my feeling a name, I say that I’d felt ‘swampy’. I’d been foggy and a bit emotionally stuck with low energy so ‘swamp’ seemed an apt description and it felt right.
We started the dance; the drums were pounding out and the music was ‘moody’ (here’s a link to the playlist on Spotify: Playlist )… During the dance I saw her. Well it was me, but it was ‘her’. She was standing waist deep in a swamp, covered in moss and leaves and had vines holding her down, they were curled around her body like ropes, she was stuck there. The swamp was dark, cold, muddy, and she had a bit of a horror movie look about her – this is how I visualised my ‘darkness’, holy shit… How to ‘dance’ with her I had no idea… So, I just danced anyway, thinking I could coax her into moving. I invited her to dance with me, but she didn’t want to, she didn’t speak at all throughout the whole dance, but I could just tell she wasn’t into it… She got ‘swampier’.
I wasn’t sure what to do for her so she’d feel better, so I asked her where it hurt. My forehead suddenly felt like a worm was under my skin, I scratched and thought “well that was pretty clear”. I also felt her heart was sad, I thought that perhaps some Light might help her, but when I tried to bring some Light in for her nothing happened, so I brought it in for me. I visualised Light coming into the crown of my head and as I did, I could see it was happening for her as well. That’s when I realised that whatever I did to and for myself, she would experience it too but perhaps in a different way. I filled myself with Light and then it happened – I looked at her again and I saw tiny white flowers on the vines that I hadn’t noticed before, had they been there all along and I just hadn’t seen them? Was it my ‘vision’ that had changed or was it the way I was ‘looking’ at it? Ahhhh and there it is… That’s the epiphany moment right there! Did you catch it?
How to change my ‘perception’ of her – release my judgement and assumptions, okay so I tried looking at her without assuming she was stuck there, I looked at her without wanting to ‘change’ her – I told her that I accepted her as she was, if she didn’t want to dance that was fine and she didn’t have to speak either. Then the flowers grew and it was as if they were lit by small beams of golden light as they bloomed and grew larger, the green of the vines became brighter and then I could see that they weren’t holding her down, they were draped softly around her, instead of feeling claustrophobic they began to feel like they were hugging her, softly caressing her. Then I saw the fairies, yes there were fairies dancing around her like fireflies and then fish began to jump out of the water and frogs were there as well. I saw a tiny smile on her face, like I’d finally seen her for the first time. Really SEEN her. That’s what she wanted, just to be seen…by me.
I realised my dance had changed, I started jumping up and down feeling joy and sadness all at the same time I cried and I laughed and it was pretty surreal. I invited her in, all of her. The ‘swamp’ garden as well, the vines, the flowers, and the moss came, the fairies, fish and frogs – all of them came with her because all of them ARE her. All of them are ME. I see her now, not with different eyes – but through my heart. She is me and I am her. We are two sides of the same whole. I will accept her stillness, her sadness, her quiet melancholy…and her strange love of moss – in accepting all this I also accept the joy she feels for the dancing fairies, the warmth in her heart for the gentle weight of the vines as they lightly caress and hug her, the laughter for the fish and frogs as they jump and splash around her, and her mild amusement as she watches me dance my heart out!!
Music on the way home in the car?
Thursday 2nd May 2019
Meditation this morning – I spoke to her again. She moved a little this time, I reached out my hand to her and she touched it. I asked her how old she was and immediately I received the answer ‘6’. I asked her if she’d be willing to grow with me, but there was a great reluctance – although I did sense a willingness beneath the resistance. I feel that the two of us are at a turning point, she is sitting at the Gibbous part of our cycle and I am at the Balsamic (refer to my previous blog about this here: Caterflies & Butterpillars). She is the caterpillar within the Chrysalis (I believe she entered it last night) and she must now go through the hardest of stages, to release all to the abyss and trust the butterfly will emerge. I am at the easiest part of the cycle for I can look back and see all that brought me here, I am the butterfly preparing to lay the egg that contains all of her and all of me. I am ready to rebirth myself into a the integrated whole – and to begin the cycle anew. We are (in Astrology terms) in opposition, the Gibbous and the Balsamic phase are opposite each other on an Astrological Chart. This is usually a hard aspect however; this has given me a new perspective (!!) on it. Integrating two halves of the whole, what an opportunity within this aspect, a challenge? Yes indeedy. What is nice about it at the moment is that I’m following the current Moon cycle as it’s currently in the Balsamic phase – on the 5th of May it’s the New Moon in Taurus.
What’s interesting is that I used to dream a lot about water and fish, I used those dreams to see where I was on my spiritual path, if the water was clean, fresh and the fish were happy I was okay but if the fish were flapping about without water (which sometimes happened) then I had to rethink what I was doing and move in a different direction. The Swamp had reflected the stuck side of me, the side that had been stagnating.
Sunday 5th May 2019
So today is the day of the New Moon in Taurus. Have we integrated? Well time may have to be the judge of that but this morning I woke up convinced I wasn’t going to publish this blog, that it was too personal to put out into the internet void.
I thought about her and I sitting in opposition, she in the position that is most dark on the chart, me with my back to the Sun receiving the Moon’s conversation as a whisper in my ear. Then I realised… I had to publish it. That was the New Moon integration, this is where her and I become One again. What am I afraid of? Well the first thing that comes to mind is that people I know, friends and family, will read this and think I’m a Space Cadet. Why does that concern me – most people I know already think I’m a bit weird anyway so what’s the difference and why would it matter? If I really ponder that idea – I like to be thought of as a bit odd, so what’s the holdup – just do it.
She is looking on and seems happy with my decision, so from us to you, I hope someone relates to this. If you’ve been in your own Swamp, perhaps the idea of visualising yourself, your ‘other’ in whatever space seems appropriate – it may not be a ‘swamp’ but a representation of your feeling and emotions. Have a chat to them, let them speak to you or through you, dance with them if they’re up for it – or not. Even try drawing them if you’ve an artistic side, let them speak to you in whatever way they can, the ‘darkness’ inside might just need a voice, it might need to be forgiven, it might just need the recognition and validation that it’s there. Resistance creates space and that space creates separation. To be whole again there needs to be integration, a joining of halves, a blending of lost parts of yourself.
And here it is, Sunday afternoon, the time has come to put the polish on the blog and post it. And I shall. I’m a gonna do it. Yes indeedy… here goes.
We are One.